The Criminal Minds team profile the K-League Challenge

Criminal-Minds

This weekend sees the start of Korea’s second division, the K-League Challenge. Often regarded as the poor cousin to the Classic the second tier actually has everything it’s big brother has to offer and sometimes even more. This season we have new kids on the block Seoul E-Land, we have both the Army and the Police back in the same division, we have Gyeongnam desperately hoping they can bounce straight back up and we of course have the feisty Anyang v Bucheon rivalry that adds that extra spice to the league. I decided with so much going on in the Challenge this year there will undoubtedly be some incidents of note so to aid those intrepid followers of K2 and those who have nothing else to do I will profile one team each week a la everyone’s favourite obnoxious shower of criminal investigators, Criminal Minds.

This weeks unsub is a bit of an attention seeker, they might have security issues due to a lack of on-field experience. They demonstrate all the characteristics of having a dominant and controlling parent, one who is probably self-centered and egotistical so expect them to have forced their name and beliefs upon the unsub as much as possible. A quick look at the crime photos left on their Facebook would also suggest an obsession with big cats, this probably stems from formative years spent comfort-snacking on Cheetohs. Quantity not quality above all is else is this unsub’s main goal.

 

Seoul E-land FC

E-land

Seoul E-land have been busy preparing for the first season of what I’m sure they hope will be a bright and illustrious history. They have been making a lot of noises since they were accepted into the K-League fold, some of those noises have been good some have been like my rendition of Smells Like Teenage Spirit after one too many bottles of Jinro’s finest.

Incident 1 : The kidnapping of Kim Young Kwang

Kim Young Kwang

Kim has bags of experience both domestic and international. With 17 caps, granted only one in the last 4 years, he isn’t exactly the kind of keeper you expect to see gracing the fields of Bucheon and Anyang. To say the signing was unexpected is an understatement but then E-Land don’t seem to go in for understatements do they? In Kim they have a keeper eager to prove himself again, there is no doubting his quality and I’m sure if E-Land achieve success this season he will have played a huge role. Rumors that Kim may be suffering from ‘Stockholm Syndrome’ gathered pace when he was spotted in the red leopard print of the club. Which brings us nicely to…..

Incident 2 : Ritual Humiliation

eland strip

The unveiling of a new strip is a time that most football fans look forward to but when that kit was Seoul Eland’s inaugural strip even non-fans of the club were hitting refresh on their social media of choice on ‘launch day’. Then it happened, WOW E-land had gone with a leopard print number that wouldn’t have looked out of place in an episode of Absolutely Fabulous. The strip was bad enough but they followed it up with a bizarre explanation involving coining the term “Leoul” which was apparently a combination of Leopard and Seoul and not the common assumption that it was in fact a variation on LOL. The new strip, or uniform as they are commonly called in Korea, has coincided with E-land losing a couple of pre-season friendlies. We assigned super sleuth Spencer the task of finding out if there are known links between ritual humiliation and poor performance, we are awaiting his findings.

Criminal minds - spencer

Incident 3 : The videos

nicolas-cage-8mm

What started off as a fan greeting seemed to border on narcissism by the end. It was interesting to see what the players were doing in training, ONCE, but then it began to get all a little too much and by the end of the first week I began to feel like Nicholas Cage in 8mm, I didn’t want to watch but I couldn’t stop myself. I consider myself to have reasonably strong willpower and have been able to kick destructive habits in the past but this one was bordering on impossible, then I found the ‘mute’ button on Facebook and my life became clean again. I am sure the intention behind the videos was all good. E-land have announced their intentions to be more fan-focused than your average K-League team, although that’s not exactly hard, but they ended up going too far overboard for this man’s liking. Hopefully they will keep them down to match highlights in the future and we won’t be seeing them going down the Afreeca TV route and actually filming themselves eating for money.

Tune in next week to see what Hotch and his team of experts make of FC Anyang.

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